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Classical masterworks through the eyes of modern dating
Last Friday on my morning show on Sirius XM Symphony Hall, I had a good time looking at three pieces of classical music through the lens of modern dating. I think it really hit home for some listeners - it was the largest drop of listener email I’ve had in a while. So with that in mind, I wanted to dive deeper. Because, oh how we can see our dating lives (and popular dating advice) in these stories.
Peer Gynt - incidental music by Edvard Grieg
This is the one that pointed my brain in this direction in the first place. Especially the second suite, since it portrays the resolution of the title character’s story.
Peer Gynt is, without a doubt, the final boss of avoidant attachment style. Sincere, kind, steadfast Solveig has loved him from the start, with emotional availability and clear communication the entire time. But Peter Gynt “just wasn’t ready.” Always looking for another better adventure. Until at the end, when he does return to Solveig, but as an old man. He has missed out on a lifetime together with her because he was always looking for the next thing.
Carmen - opera by Georges Bizet
Don Jose has more boundary issues than a map of the USSR. He is engaged. He is disciplined. He resists Carmen’s advances for about 30 seconds. Then he starts rationalizing, abandoning his prior commitments. First it’s “just once.” Then his entitlement and desire for control escalates exponentially. He approaches Carmen with jealousy, surveillance, and attempts to constrain her autonomy, despite the fact that Carmen is clear about her desire love freely and her refusal to be romantically confined.
Carmen does exactly what she says she would do - shifts her attention to bullfighter Escamillo the moment she feels inclined. Jose calls it a betrayal, and he refuses to give up, with tragic consequences for Carmen.
Symphonie Fantastique - symphony by Hector Berlioz
Parasocial relationship fantasy runs fully off the rails in this work. Disturbingly so since it’s quite first-person autobiographical. The obsessive fantasizing by “the artist” is oriented toward an idea in the physical form of a woman. But this relationship is not mutual. And it gets dark extremely quickly. The inflated imagination leads to a selective interpretation of social cues. Emotions escalate without feedback. And by the time the piece reaches its climax, the woman of the artist’s fixation is no longer a person - she is a symbol of his collapsing psychological ecosystem.
Madama Butterfly - opera by Giacomo Puccini
This opera could also be called Pinkerton’s Future Faking. Because US Naval Officer Pinkerton enters into a marriage with Cio-Cio-San while he is stationed in Japan. And he tells her all kinds of lovely things to selectively reinforces every signal that “this marriage is forever.” And Butterfly fully commits, restructuring her whole identity, all of her social ties, and her expectations for the future. She cuts herself off from her family, only for Pinkerton to leave. But Butterfly never wavers in her belief in their promised future. She bears his child, which he returns only to claim as his - with his American wife Kate on his arm.
The Magic Flute - opera by WA Mozart
The allusions to modern dating aren’t all bad though. Because in the middle of everything there is Tamino, demonstrating that “if he wanted to, he would.” At the very start of the opera he is tasked with rescuing Pamina. And he is emotionally invested from the start, but also relies on external guidance for his actions. But during the temple’s trials that he experiences, he stops being passive and becomes consistent under pressure.
It’s worth mentioning that Pamina is no passive damsel in distress. She is a woman of action. She refuses to kill Sarastro at her mother’s demand, and resists all external pressures to shape her actions. Pamina repeatedly chooses endurance and trust during all of the couple’s symbolic trials.
Giselle - ballet by Adolphe Adam
Mixed signals have dire consequences in this ballet. Prince Albrecht plays a mind game with poor Giselle, showing up in disguise as a villager. He flirts with her, despite the fact that he is engaged. He gives her just enough of himself in little breadcrumbs, all while knowing that at the end of the day there is a total deal breaker for the relationship. This man isn’t just unclear - he actively misleads Giselle. And it takes very little time for that heartbreak to literally kill her.
La Valse - tone poem by Maurice Ravel
In dating, perfection is an illusion. Everyone carries baggage, and two people will inevitable find some sort of friction in their daily lives as they spend more time together. So, you know those couples where every photo on social media looks perfect? Where they write long paragraphs about how much they love each other. Where the husband identifies as a “wife guy”? There’s always that little bit of tension behind the performance that says “I’m going to keep this up even though I’m hanging by a thread.” And that over-the-top feeling of performative romance is what you get in La Valse.
Don Quixote - tone poem by Richard Strauss
Don Quixote is technically the main character in his story, but that doesn’t stop him from acting with main character syndrome. Strauss reframes the source material from Cervantes through a psychological lens. The world is real, but Quixote’s interpretation is so dominant that it overwrites reality. He converts ordinary stimuli into heroic signifiers. Windmills are giants, sheep are armies. Innkeepers are noble hosts. Dear Sancho Panza really tries to pull Quixote back to reality, but he just ends up dragged along for the ride. And Dulcinea? Quixote doesn’t just admire Dulcinea. He reorganizes his whole identity around serving her. After all, the knight errant must prove himself to his imagined beloved.
Don Giovanni - opera by WA Mozart
(see also: Don Juan - tone poem by Richard Strauss)
There isn’t just one romantic relationship for Don Giovanni. How does he achieve such good numbers? Love bombing, of course. Which is the perfect way to build an intimacy that you don’t plan to sustain. Don Giovanni is in it for a good time, not a long time. So high velocity is key. Get her attention, charm her, seduce her, enjoy yourself, and then cut ties. Emotional investment at the front, exit strategy immediately to follow.
Don Juan is a bit more internal. There’s no cutesy cataloging of his victims. He seems to enjoy the momentum more than anything else. He leaves once the novelty fades. But in Strauss’s version, seems to be willing to allow himself to be thrown off this mortal coil in order to break the cycle.
Verklarte Nacht - string quartet by Arnold Schoenberg
When truth is revealed, a woman is able to enter her healing era. This isn’t an absence of damage. The woman at the center of the conversation shares her past pregnancy conceived outside of her relationship. She is ready to face consequences - rejection, humiliation, crisis. But instead her lover absorbs her story, reframes it, and decides to forgive her. He accepts her as she is. The relationship is redefined. In the world of passions that is classical music, this work stands out.
But classical music has no shortage of romantic misbehavior. Drop your favorite modern dating analysis in the comments - there’s plenty more where these came from.
-Colleen
Huh ... feels like an incomplete list without something from Cyrano de Bergerac. I'll bet you a dollar there's a Gerard Depardieu banger in that one.
Amazing. You brighten every morning and this look at relationships is brilliant. Many thanks.